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You can never be prepared for the death of a loved one.  We all respond to death with shock or what we sometimes call "the fog".  This fog can last for a short time (days or weeks) to as much as a year or more following a sudden or traumatic death.

Shock is a normal response to death and no one should try to shake you out of it.  You will come out of it gradually and quite naturally when you are ready to handle the tough feelings that come with the grief process.  In fact, shock is a real blessing that allows you to handle what can be called the "business of dying".

The first things we think of when we consider the business of dying are financial matters.  Depending on your relationship with the person who has died, you may or may not have many financial matters to handle.  If you do, it is best to get at them as soon as possible.  Financial wheels often grind slowly.

As soon as possible, gather all relevant documents.  Ask the funeral home for at least ten copies of the death certificate.  If it was your spouse who died, you will also need many copies of your marriage certificate.  You'll also need the birth certificate of the person who died as well as that of any dependents.  The same goes for Social Security numbers.  If the deceased was a veteran, you will have to locate discharge papers.  Naturally, you will need the person's will or trust papers at hand.

Contact all agencies that may be involved as soon as possible.  Make a list for yourself including insurance companies, Social Security, your loved one's lawyer, the Veterans Administration, and so forth.  Leave spaces on your list to jot down the date of each call you make or receive, the name of the person with whom you have spoken (this is important), and the gist of the conversation, including particularly any promises made.  Buy an accordion file folder to keep all these notes in, along with any mail you receive from these companies.  Include a calendar on which you can put reminders such as "Follow up call to _____ at _____."

There are many quality sites on line ~ such as AARP ~ to walk you through this process in more detail than we can.  Your lawyer or financial analyst can also provide essential help.  Do not expect to accomplish everything at once.  These are frustrating tasks at the best of times and these are certainly not the best of times.  Pat yourself on the back each time you finish a task and be kind to yourself.

Of course there are many social tasks to take care of following a death.  Everyone dreads thank-you notes but try not to put them off.  You may not think so now, but they will be even more difficult later.  If there is a friend or family member who wants to help out, there is nothing wrong with delegating this task.  Your support system will be the best during the early weeks immediately following your loved one's death.

Make your out-of-area friend notifications early too.  Many wait until they send out their Christmas cards.  But this makes a tough season even tougher.  It may help to make copies of the obituary and send them with a short note saying, for example, "I thought you would want to know".  This spares you from writing the details of the loss over and over.

If the person who has died received mail at your address, you may want to make other notifications.  The grief process is painful enough and receiving mail or phone calls for that person can blindside you when you least expect it.  Making as many notifications as possible can reduce this.

Please, please, please don't let anyone talk you into getting rid of your loved one's possessions until YOU are ready to do so.  People mean well when they tell you not to wear your loved one's sweater or criticize you for keeping that person's room like it was the day she or he left, but these things may provide great comfort while you grieve and there is nothing wrong with being comforted!  It is almost magic how each person will know when to give away or sell an item.  Other people can only give you advice about what they think they would need if they were in your shoes.  But we are all very different.  Listen to yourself and your own needs.

A word to the wise, during the first year after your loved one has died; try to avoid doing anything that can't be easily undone.  The death of an important person in your life changes you.  You aren't the person you were before this happened and you aren't now the person you will be after you grieve.  You are in a period of change.  Therefore, selling the house you shared with a loved one, giving away all their things or even remarrying may be severely regretted.

There is no way around the grief process.  "Staying busy", drinking to forget or trying to replace the person who has been lost will not work.  It will only prolong the pain.  In this program, we hope to give you all the information and tools you need to take this grief journey and come out on the other side of it whole and at peace with yourself.  Thank you so much for allowing us to partner with you at this important time in your life.

Good bye for now and God bless.

Andrea Heeres